the rescue story-part one

As 2020 begins I have been reflecting on the past year like most.

2019 was a rough one that’s for sure.

But not just for me. 

My family and many friends have suffered too; loss of a loved one, physical pain, miscarriage, infertility, divorce, cancer diagnosis... 

I  have found that a lot of people are suffering in some way. Maybe you.

I first have say how grateful I am for those who have reached out to me since I’ve started writing again. THANK YOU. 

The kind words, thoughts and prayers are more meaningful than I can write words to portray.

I’d also like to speak to those who have commended me for my strength, perseverance, etc.

I’ve said to some that I’m a master at silently suffering. 

It’s not that I’m attempting to pretend that everything is great. I just doing know what else to do but to keep going. I've never really been a complainer. I treat life like a race; just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

While I appreciate the accolades for strength and perseverance, I have to say that these things come from my deep faith that God has more for me. 

The “peace that passes understanding” has always seemed a mystery to me. But I’ve found it to be a truth that arrived during the suffering that most people avoid; sadness, loneliness, fear of the unknown, etc.

I’ve tried to journal my emotions in the past year. It was difficult. I’m not sure why. I guess I didn’t really know what to say; or do if I’m being honest.

I was sad. I was angry. I was hurt. I’ve been searching for something I didn’t know how to find. I’ve had a deep longing for a realness to touch my soul.

Music has always has always been very special to me as I know it is for many people. An escape most often. The words in a song can speak the truth my mind is unable to get out onto paper. 

Months ago I started writing song lyrics in my journal. As I wrote the lyrics out it helped my soul feel the presence of God in a way. 

Then I had a turning point. When I was basically in the darkest place after returning from Poland, I realized God has something more for me and I needed to welcome it instead of fight it. I decided to be hospitable to the “Dark Night of the Soul”. I decided my pain and suffering will be used for a purpose that I may not understand but I am willing to walk into the refining fire to possibly find out.

So, I’m going to shift gears here.

I’m going write out the lyrics to some of the songs that spoke deeply to me in the last year. The music started my rescue story.I've been playing these song on repeat. All. Day (and sometimes into the night).

I urge you to read the lyrics and let them sink into your soul if possible. Many people might not identify with any of this, but there could be one. That’s who God is always out to get, the one.

I’m also going to post a link to the song, please listen if you feel so inclined.

This first song spoke to me over a year ago. I loved it right away. However, once I learned the lyrics, it’s actually a prayer for change, which also scared me. It became a deep longing. To be used in some way, to become something new.

New Wine -Hillsong Worship

In the crushing

In the pressing

You are making

New wine

In the soil, I

Now surrender

You are breaking 

New ground

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand

When I trust You I don’t need to understand

Make me Your vessel

Make me an offering

Make me whatever You want me to be

I came here with nothing

But all You have given me

Jesus, bring new wine out of me

‘Cause where there is new wine

There is new power

There is new freedom

And the kingdom is here

I lay down my old flames

To carry Your new fire today

Song Link